I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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