i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
