i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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