I haven't been this sober since birth.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
