I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
