Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
