I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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