i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
