I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
