my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
