you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
