her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
