She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
