I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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