Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
