it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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