If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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