There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
