Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
