The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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