I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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