made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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