I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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