i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
this will be a night to untag.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
