I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
