Someone shit on the floor
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
