I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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