The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
