can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i love accidental penises.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
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