my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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