Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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