You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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