I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
