i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
