Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
