Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
