She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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