It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
