The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
only you would photoshop your dick
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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