why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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