Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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