Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
