I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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