...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
