I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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