I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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