We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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