Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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