He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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