omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
